recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
