Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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