Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
