My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
