Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
