Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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