Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
