i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
