Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
How's work?
Spinning.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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