she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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