Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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