dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you traded sex for a burrito?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
