you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
