my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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