so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
