meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
