I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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