I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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