i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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