My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
