You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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