cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
