Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
