I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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