paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
