Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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