she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This is the high leading the old right now
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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