Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
