you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
