Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
