Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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