I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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