Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize