hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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