he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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