I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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