Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
3 2 1 whiskey
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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