Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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