when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Someone shattered a urinal.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
