Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
