Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
