is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
