it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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