dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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