I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
