i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize