I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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