your room smells of hookers.
And success
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
