No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
