im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize