I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize