No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
