I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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