College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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