Pregnant stripper...not hot.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize