he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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