I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize