imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
When are your genitals available?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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