i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
