So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
