I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
