so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
