so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
