i need an iv and a liver transplant
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
