Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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