sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Randomize
